What makes you happy ?

One thousand five hundred days ago I had my last alcohol.
The counter is in the sidebar but am I counting? Does the answer matter?

.. that something bad is about to happen? When, not if.

Last December I did a “5 things you don’t know about me” meme and yesterday / today you found it. Number 2 on that list was that I had been in a padded cell. You are worried about that. Worry no longer.
I’ve had less of a grip in the past but never to that extent. In 1986 as part of my nurse training, I went on a tour of Rampton Special Hospital (as it was called). On one of the wards (it was for females if that matters……..) they had a padded cell. They opened it for us to see. And I went in, as you would. I prodded the wall, poked it, leant against it and then sort dropped against it. Because you would wouldn’t you? About the only chance to see and experience a padded cell and I took advantage. That’s how I got to be in a padded cell. It was by choice and with others and the door was open. It was also when I was still sane :)
So that’s that then :)

and I wonder what else I’ve written that you’ll find……:)

I posted this last year. It could be posted every year.

When you look into the eyes of someone close to you and say “Happy New Year”, just remember that their happiness is almost entirely in your hands. So if you do say it, be sure to not just mean it but carry it through too. Best not to start the year with a lie ….

You know how Christmas ‘always gets earlier’? It doesn’t so much when you don’t go to work in the traditional sense – not for me. There’s no bickering about shift patterns for a start. And because I’m sat at home working there is some isolation from it all which in some ways is no bad thing because I only get small doses of the xmas muzak as I grind my way through the supermarket. J was saying the other day that she feels even less xmassy. This year she can’t go shopping at all so what irritates the constant town dweller and which mildly distracts me she gets none of. The TV doesn’t cut it.
In some ways at least the girls are old enough to sort themselves out and buy stuff. I could go town with them if needed. But mums are meant to do that with their daughters. It’s the done thing. It’s how it is meant to be. But it isn’t. There nothing I can do either. I’m damned if I do stuff (because she feels guilty that she can’t) and I’m damned if I don’t (because she feels guilty again). You just get on with it though. Not like there’s a whole bunch of choices. This is wallowing but I don’t care – you know what I’d like? For J to be able to stand up straight. That would make my year.

Out shopping earlier and while looking at dvd’s I hear someone say “Mark”. I looked up. The name was said again – and I looked around for who was saying it. 6 months ago I’d not have registered it. It’s already strange that some people called me Mark.

I used to have planetpodz but that’s gone by the wayside since the name change. I bought planet-mark but that just didn’t feel right. Because of the name change I also needed a name that I could use for invoices and suchlike – one that had an active domain. And I’d recently changed my IM addresses to the planetpodz type name. That’s a lot of changes. So some hunting around found a new domain that fits my name, it’s one that suits me, I’m happy with and that was also available for AIM and MSN. So that was that. Bought it. I’ve dropped all IM’s but gtalk where I am still the same person and I have no buddies on the other two (yet). Yahoo I can’t remember when I last used, ICQ was just garbage and the main source of my IM spam. In some way I wish domains weren’t so damn cheap – maybe I’d stop playing then. And the new name? If you need to you’ll figure it out.

I’m out walking the dog along a usual trail. I’m between the M1 bridge and the A46 bridge. It’s an old railway track so it’s straight and bounded by fields. Winston is off the lead and bouncing around undergrowth. As I turn to check where he is I see someone about 50 yards behind me – jeans and a red top. I call to Winston. I’d slowed down when I called him so I’m looking for him to get to me so I can put him on the lead till this person passes. I realise the person is closer and I half turn to look.
The guy is about 6ft, blue jeans, didn’t see the boots, is wearing a blue baseall cap with this red hoodie pulled over his cap. All I can see of his face is his eyes and a light beard. He is staring straight at me. He is walking directly at me.
I start to say something and he attacks me. He stabs me, pushes me to the ground and keeps attacking. I hear Winston.
I stand up straight and square on to him and say Hi.
I wrap the dog chain (but I never use the chain?) around my knuckles as I turn to look at him. I become the aggressor.
I walk into the field to get to Winston rather than wait for him to come to me – but all I have done is limit my options and he follows.
I wish I’d got my phone.
I pretend I’m talking on the phone.
I am talking on the phone and start to describe him.
I attack first.
I will other people to appear.
Nothing I did in the dream stopped him attacking me. My mind replayed and replayed. It changed big things and really small details but the outcome every time was me being hurt. At some point in there my mind kicked me awake. Scary.

The name conversion is almost complete. Email addresses are either nuked or forwarded (for a month or so), wp.com id changed, irc name changed, those logins I’ve come across today changed. Still to do – domains, logins as and when. wp.org will remain unchanged though. New email address is mark@ this domain.

I’m going to take my name back. My real name is being increasingly used – at FreshlyPressed all the admin emails use Mark, I’m using it offline more and I also use that as 1 identity when posting to usenet and some forums. So I have 2 online identities (real ones anyway) and one needs to take precedence. The reason for not using Mark is complex and goes back some way. I don’t have the same reaction that I used to have – now I dislike my name as much as many people dislike theirs (‘Marks’ are what kids get or skids leave. I’d much rather have been called … something else. Strange how the name I want depends what mood I am in. Having said that I can confidently say that I have never ever wanted to be called Keanu. Ever.).

So I’m thinking I’ll change my email addresses (not spam related, this name thing has been brewing longer) and where possible, logins. Today though I saw mark.wordpress.com looking rather empty. People sometimes ask for empty blogs there to be given to them but my response always has been – and always will be – to leave a comment and see if that is picked up by the owner. So that’s just what I did. And Mark got back to me saying Yes, no problem – how cool is that? So he’s tidied things up and the blog is now mine :)

Using it? I’ll use it. I will probably start using Mark instead of Mark over at wordpress.com too. I know that makes two Marks (Mark Jaquith being the other of course) but that’s just the way things will have to be….. Mark – TGFKAP :)

And many thanks again to Mark at 2 Irish Geeks and a TV for the blog!