What makes you happy ?

Wierd .. the meds change is kicking in. Very odd …. removing one med slowly. “Head meds” are strange – from my experience anyway – in that when you add them, then take them away they never leave what they affected untouched. That make sense to you ? So I’m changing back to a mental state I was in some months ago yet my path there is not the same path that got me there and when I get there I will again not be the same.
Back when I was a nurse, there was a large change in medications prescribed to the clients across the hospital. This was due to a number of reasons; old meds had been superceded, new meds were promised to be cheaper (they lied) and side-effects were fewer (but nastier .. they never said much about that) and as part of this huge change over, I had to read a lot. More than one significant study showed that people who had taken certain neuroleptic meds for a period of time still had that chemical present in the blood many many many months after it was stopped. It had dissolved into and been retained by various body tissues, leeching back out incredibly slowly. So when my psych says to stop taking the tablet, it does not mean that I will not be affected by it any longer.
Looking at the longer term to now, arguably I am what I was + the concoction I have taken in. This arguably renders any future interventions as tainted does it not ?

Had to buy some gloves for the gym today. Yesterday my grip while working out wasn’t great due to sweating and doing a bench press type move over my head the barbell did not feel safe so gloves it is.

A couple of links….. found from various places:
www.shagster.net
Yamaha Origami

BB6: Saskia+++

Saw the shrink earlier. I’m telling him about some things I don’t like and the topic of medication change comes up. I’m not one going for change just for it’s own sake but I think there is merit in a change and I explained why. His response was typical shrink: “Come back in x months and if y has happened, we’ll do z”. So while not expecting this response right here and now, I have seen medics use this tactic far too many times – it is short for “I can’t be arsed” or “I’m not sure” or “I have to ask the real Dr”. So I challenged him. I pointed out that in x months if y HAS happened he will blame it on another event we discussed and if y has NOT happened he will do precisely the same – so in x months we would be no further forward. So why not do it now. So he agreed. Result is that my reality will alter slightly (at least I hope that is the case) for the next few weeks and then hopefully settle at a level I am comfortable with but without the specific effects I’m having which were the force behind the change. I wonder if any changes will be noticeable here ?

Plugin Idea: Graph number of entries / week with size of entries / week and display over time. Would be interesting to see if there is a discernable difference.

Yesterday, P had a friend over and when they were playing a game in the back garden, a ball got hit into a back neighbours garden. Off she goes to get it back. Knocking on the door of the house in question, an old lady answers and asks P where she lives. On hearing the answer, the old lady says “Oh, your father is the new Vicar then ?”. (P put her right :) )

No – not food related. I’m still feeling fairly crap but now I think it’s a combination of a medication side-effect and a cyclical trough. Thankfully the meds are keeping the clouds away but my concentration has gone – I have a fair pile of stuff I said I would do just before this happened and unfortunately it stays undone until the morning I wake with the world back as it should be. It’s the way it is.
I don’t feel ill ill, and it’s not a case of waiting to “get better” – it really does come and go like this. It’s as if the medication can stop my mind from racing toward that Self Destruct button but it cannot stop my body expressing physically what my mind would otherwise be feeling …. there’s a word for this which escapes me …. it’s like Eastern cultures where they have no word for ‘depression’ but certain physical ailments are indicative of precisely that. My typing is worse than normal too – you can’t tell obviously but the time it’s taking to write this and do corrections is quite long compare to how quickly and accurately I can rattle stuff out when I’m on the other side of line that divides my life so wierdly. What’s it like being mentally stable ? So yeah, I’m not down / depressed just odder than normal.

While I’m on (ill)health, anyone get asthma ? Do you like or hate/loathe/detest/despise those breath-actuated inhalers ? I cannot stand them – foul creations. I’m sure they do not deliver the 200 doses and I’m sure that each dose isn’t as good as the proper inhalers. I don’t get a choice in them though I’ll be pushing for the older ones when I next have to get some.

If you’ve followed here for the last few days, and also seen a certain thread in the forums, you will be aware that I got pissed off at someone. Very pissed off. The specifics are there to be read if you want – I’m not digging them up – but there is one aspect which does need looking at. So read.
(more…)

I got an email earlier, which set off a dim memory of me getting some emails recently which I don’t have now, I don’t recall the contents of them fully and some of them might have needed a reply. I honestly don’t know. If you sent me anything, and you expected a reply, could you send it to me again please ? Sorry ..

If you have no experience of being on the receiving end of adult mental health services in the UK, this will mean precisely nothing. If you do, I’m going to make you jealous.

My Psych today was a locum. My expectations were so low ants were strolling over them. But I was wrong:

• He had read my notes (this alone is worthy of the highest praise)
• He talked to me, not at me.
• He listened to me
• He had a plan
• He changed his plan positively after talking to me about other health issues.
• He was realistic about what needed doing, the timeline involved, the fact he was a locum and could only initiate a plan which will take months to come to fruition (hopefully)
• He agreed what needed doing in the next 2 weeks between us.

For the first time in many many months, I actually feel like there is hope for me to get my head back to normal. That will take a long time, but if it swiches the light at the end of the tunnel from being an express train to sunshine, that’s no bad thing eh ?

If I said I was very annoyed, angry, pissed off, and several other negative emotions all rolled up into a tight little ball, it might get close to describing how I feel.

Couple of dozen IP’s added to the banlist, and I’m starting to note why people are being added too.
I can’t find an email contact for the aggregator I’ve been dumped off which is annoying. Not fatal, not a biggie, just annoying. The point I want to make is that if there are T&C’s for staying in the feed, say so. Don’t act all quiet – because then I suspect things and want to point fingers.

Anyone recall what this blog used to be called ? That’s what is wrong right now. Very much so. Not good. My last iam name is entirely appropriate too.

but there instead.

The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me ’till I’m sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.

PF-DSOTM-BD

Morrowind controls suck : Bored : housework done : TV is shit : the person I want to talk to I can’t : nothing I want to change on here : no music suits my mood : no jewellery to stretch any piercings : nowhere to go : Scarification seems a fantastic idea right now : no decent sites to go look at : nothing I can be arsed to write about : fuck all to do tomorrow : if I drank I’d have places to go because then I wouldn’t mind being around drunk people but I don’t and I do so there is nowhere around here : I don’t give a shit right now : orkut is shit : I feel alone : I want a bubble back : I want silence but I know it would scare me too but I don’t want noise because that just gets in the way : APB SIS – that suits actually : I suppose I could get something pierced tomorrow, that would be what I used to do like this : shall I kill this blog ? : I will go because I will be better but if right now I had to go, I wouldn’t. I couldn’t : Do you have the slightest clue what’s it’s really like to live with a head that works ? A head that works in a way that you probably don’t even know it’s working well because it just is ? I wish I did :