What makes you happy ?

Mortality is a constant theme in my head and has been for ages. I have no idea why and even if there was some psychologist available to talk to I doubt I’d avail myself (and I’d get different answers depending on whether they like Freud / Jung / Whoever which effectively nullifies all of them) and tonight I wondered about emails. If you knew the time you’d go then you’d do all the ‘loved ones’ stuff wouldn’t you? But what about people you’ve never met, or met once or twice but who live too far way, or those who are close but you never quite get time to see? Would I email anyone? Yes, of course I would. I’d also drop into irc and tell the team that they might want to close support for a while.
But who to email. I could say here but then the last email doesn’t become that last email does it? Because they’d email me to ask what I’d say, and then I’d have to answer them and have to explain all the stuff I wrote and because it wouldn’t be the last email it wouldn’t make sense, it wouldn’t have the finality, it wouldn’t have the thoughts hanging even though all you wanted to do was tie loose strings because it would generate new strings and it would get ever so messy. It’s not a “I must have the last word” thing, but that certain things are best left unsaid until the answer cannot be said, cannot be heard. Which is hard on the person who wants, needs, cries to give that answer but then how otherwise do you say what you want? It seems so easy to get the answer “Well just say it” but it can’t be done. It makes the stable unstable. Like I said, it gets messy.

I want to say things to certain people. Nice things. I’d like to, I really would. And I never will. Same for all of us I suppose.